33 Rules to Boost Your Productivity - Volume 3
These are a bit sillier and less politically correct than the first two volumes - I had to stretch to come up with more ideas - but many are still valid in certain situations. Just be sure to take them with a grain of salt. I assume no liability for anyone who actually tries to apply these.
Here are 33 more rules to boost your productivity:
- Halliburton. Cut corners to save time and money when the outcome is mainly for show anyway. If it looks good, it is good. It`s easier to manufacture excuses than results.
- Nuke.XML. Split your RSS feeds into two lists: those that help boost your productivity vs. those that taketh it away. Force yourself to unsubscribe from all the feeds in the second list. You won`t miss them. Just be sure this blog makes the first list.
- Evil eye. Practice your best evil eye in a mirror, and use it liberally on anyone who enters your space to interrupt you.
- Vulcan logic. Ask for a part-time assistant by explaining to your boss that you`re being paid $25/hour to do $10/hour tasks, which is costing your employer a lot of money.
- Voodoo. Display voodoo replicas of your boss and co-workers on your desk, labeled with their names. Whenever you overhear someone complaining of health problems (headache, upset stomach, runny nose, etc), stick a pin into the corresponding part of their doll. Then call them over to your workspace for some unrelated reason.
- Scooby snacks. Grab a bowl of your favorite snacks, such as grapes, tamari almonds, or Trader Joe`s Oriental Rice Crackers. Eat one piece for each microbial piece of work you complete. One bite per sentence. One bite per line of code. One bite per email. Ranks, Raggy.
- Iraqi Freedom. When you`re bleeding time and money on a project that`s spiraling out of control, when morale is in the toilet, and when you can`t even get yourself to believe your own lies anymore, that`s the best time to go on vacation.
- WoW.die.die.die. Give online gaming a rest, and re-invest that energy into your real life, which is probably suffocating beneath a pile of dead, smelly orcs.
- Politician. Throw money at your problems until they succumb. Either this will work, or you`ll put your successor in such a crippled position that they can`t do any better.
- Upgrade. Modernize your tools - a faster computer, a better PDA, a hotter girlfriend.
- Coach. Hire a personal coach to keep yourself motivated, focused, and accountable. After several months of pep talks, you`ll be qualified to start your own coaching practice.
- Proactive. Just do it, and deal with the consequences later. It`s easier to request forgiveness than permission.
- Polyphasic. Six naps a day keeps your laziness at bay. You can catch up on sleep when you`re dead. See Polyphasic Sleep for details.
- Captain Kirk. If you boldly and brazenly act like you know what you`re doing, people will assume it`s true. Use this strategy to get promoted to the point where you can delegate all your work to those who really know what they`re doing. Orion slave girls are standing by.
- Hyundai. Lower your standards, and just get it done anyway you can.
- Saturn. Dictate the terms you want as totally non-negotiable, and make them sound as generous as you can. But at the first sign of resistance, cave in immediately and agree to re-negotiate everything.
- Blockade. Slide a heavy piece of furniture in front of your office door. When drop-in visitors complain they can`t get in, tell them you`re refactoring your office for greater productivity.
- Eye for an eye. Punish those who add tasks to your plate by filling their plates with even more.
- Bait. Put candy dishes on everyone`s desk but your own.
- Quagmire. Fill out and mail a generous assortment of business reply cards in your boss` name, checking the "bill me later" boxes. A few dozen magazine subscriptions and some Franklin Mint collections ought to slow him down a bit. A new Civil War chess piece every month means he`ll be playing chess in under 3 years.
- End run. Suggest to your boss` boss that your boss is overworked and needs more help. If you implement the previous tip, this will likely be true.
- Fasting. Digest information, not food.
- Toddler. Throw a tantrum until someone finally solves the problem for you.
- Armageddon. Use Overwhelming Force to totally dominate your problem. Treat your molehill like a mountain. Use a bazooka to kill a cockroach. Send a real human being to serve in Congress.
- Model. Find people who are already getting the results you want, interview them, and model their attitudes, beliefs, and behavior. Then you`ll have someone to blame when things go wrong.
- The Secret. Use the Law of Attraction to manifest the done-ness of your project.
- Illuminati. Form a secret society to ensure that things always go your way. Eventually take over the planet to guarantee you`ll never have to work again.
- PMS. Accept the fact that you can still get your work done even when you`re pissed at everything.
- Anakin. Would your problems be easier to solve if you turned evil? The dark side beckons…
- Spammer. Sign up for a free email account, and subscribe to every e-zine, e-newsletter, and mailing list you can find. The shadier the better. Once you`ve completed all the double opt-in processes, set that account to forward to your boss` email.
- Steve Jobs. On the rare occasions you actually do manage to get something done, talk it up like a madman. Say "This is huge!" to everyone you meet. People will assume you`re 10x as productive as you are.
- Guru. Instead of doing your actual work, spend most of your time reading productivity blogs. Within a few months, you`ll have acquired enough knowledge to start your own. Eventually you`ll realize that 50% of the web consists of productivity tips written by chronic procrastinators. The other 50% is porn.
- Uber-Guru. Stick with the first 50%.
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